I really thought that almost 12 years into my parenting journey that I would be past Mom guilt. It appears not.
I'm currently sitting in the restaurant of a Premier Inn after two nights away for a wedding and the guilt is strong. Not only do I feel guilty that we're away from the children I feel guilty that we might be having fun while they're not but I'm also aware that at least two of our children are a real handful to look after so I feel guilty for my parents looking after them.
There is always part of us that think it's good for people to know how challenging it is to be in our shoes but at the same time we don't want to scare them off from ever having them again! During our first two nights away Miss B had an upset tummy which isn't pleasant for anyone and Baby S bit Mr L! Seriously! He has never bitten anyone before and chooses while we're away to cut his teeth and typically on Mr L who pretty much never puts a foot wrong.
*This post was interrupted by news that Miss B had flooded an upstairs bathroom and it was pouring through the ceiling. FFS! *
I think the real thing that's a worry is that this is never going to get easier at least for Miss B and possibly Baby S... I hope Mr L will grow up and live a happy independent life just like Mr R will. But the other two are going to be with us for the long haul.
Who will look after them as teenagers and adults if we want to get away for a weekend or God forbid a whole week? Will either be able to manage in assisted living, respite or similar as I can't expect my parents to watch them forever.
Wow this spiralled into a far darker place than I had anticipated.
For now I can at least look at the positive that the big and the small children at least don't outwardly miss us. They're both so busy with ipads (Miss B) or looking for mischief (Baby S) that I only need to worry about being away from Mr L emotionally. He is often a very closed book, he doesn't show his emotions until they bubble up out of his eyes... He's basically a boy version of me.
He has seemed content this weekend and I think was saddest about not seeing Mr R who stayed with his mom this week.
We'll be home today (the day after I started wring this so my guilt has multiplied 10 fold since I started writing) and I can't wait for Mr L and Baby S hugs. Maybe a one arm hug from Miss B while she watches her ipad over my shoulder.
We have had a great time though guilty aside and it's really important to have blocks of time to ourselves. It strengthens us, it relaxes us and it focuses us for when we return to normality.
Although the guilt has been strong I'm going to really miss not cleaning or cooking when I get back! Hotel life is just lovely.
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